


The monster who maimed you

by PryingBlackbird



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Gen, POV Caleb Widogast, Warning: Trent Ikithon, ep 128 spoilers, going back to your abuser, leave me behind think about the mission, what if au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 22:35:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29865090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PryingBlackbird/pseuds/PryingBlackbird
Summary: SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 128!!!Premise: What if he had stayed behind in the end?
Relationships: Astrid/Eodwulf/Caleb Widogast, The Mighty Nein & Caleb Widogast, Trent Ikithon & Caleb Widogast
Comments: 10
Kudos: 74





	The monster who maimed you

**Author's Note:**

> How it might have played out if Caleb decided to stay behind and leave the tower to go back to Trent. 
> 
> What do we do when we’re all emotional about the latest episode? Therapeutic writing of course! I hammered this into my keyboard in one sitting and it is not beta read, so please excuse any mistakes. 
> 
> As a heads up: I took the liberty to go rules as written here with the plane shift, because while Matt said the spell scroll is in draconic and nobody can read it, the rulebooks says “If the spell is on your class’s spell list, you can read the scroll and cast its spell without providing any Material Components. Otherwise, the scroll is unintelligible.” I’m not doing this to be a know-it-all but because my fic wouldn’t work otherwise. 
> 
> TW: Trent Ikithon, a character going back to his abuser
> 
> The title is from the song "who maimed you" by Anna Aaron.

He listens to them desperately trying to come up with a plan to escape from the tower, but his mind is drifting on its own, going through various options and discarding all of them. They are trapped, cornered, tapped. Some of them are insured. And the scroll they found will only get nine of them out of here. Nine. How fitting. Wouldn’t it be for the fact that there are ten of them in this room, not counting Yussa. 

Marion, Yeza and Luc just listen while the discussion is going on. They look afraid and worried, but are calm enough right now, although the Ruby of the Sea is still shaking slightly. They need to get them out of here quickly.  _ I brought this on us.  _ He thinks.  _ I should have known better.  _

He has gone through all the possibilities at hand in his head and eventually reached a conclusion. He speaks up, his voice tripping over his anxiety. He is a nervous wreck, but he is also determined. “I-I-I have an idea.”

Heads turn in his direction, Veth looks up at him. “What is it?”

“You all walk away from here and I wait outside.” He is calm and composed now that he made his decision. Putting the words out there feels good. He can’t take them back now. 

Veth cocks her head a little. “To talk?” at the same time as Beau asks “Why?”. Caduceus chimes in. “That seems like a terrible idea.”

Caleb just looks at them. “What’s the other idea you have?”

“We split up.” Veth says and Beau adds “Take the sewers, get out of town you know, get out of town on foot the old fashioned way.” Jester speaks up from the side, but he doesn’t dare to look at her right now. “Caleb if they take you... “ “...what do we do?” Veth finishes her question. Jester continues. “We can’t even get back to Eiselcross without you.”

“Unless Yussa wakes up.” Veth adds, but doesn’t sound convinced. “But even if we got there, we can’t do anything without Caleb.” Fjord nods. “It’s true. It’s a noble thought. But we literally...”

Caleb interrupts him, still talking very quietly. “Maybe I convince them that they are needed. Maybe I convince them that there is something bigger than their petty grievances” He is not sure if he believes these words himself, but he has to try at least. To protect his friends. 

This riles up Veth. “And what? They walk away and say ‘Okay you’re right’”?

Caleb looks at her. “Maybe I trade your, um, safety for” he shakes his head slowly, building up the courage to say the next words “my obedience?”

Caduceus frowns at him.“There is no safety without you. One week…” 

_ There is no safety without you.  _ But don’t they see there’s also no safety  _ with _ him? They are clever, they have powerful friends. Not many, yes, but if this is just about teleporting them around they can contact Essek, Yussa, even Allura. They will figure it out. They always do. He remembers feeling utterly helpless in the fight against the white dragon, Vorugal, and still they beat him into retreating from them eventually. His friends would have been fine without him then, and they will now. 

Beau speaks up again. “If they take you away it means the next thing we’re doing is a jailbreak.” 

His arms itch and he begins to scratch at the old scars. Why do none of them get it? He does not want them to go after him, save him from prison or wherever else Trent will take him. He wants them to get away and further approach their goal. Get their families to safety. Gather allies. Stop Lucien. Without the Volstrucker chasing after them. And maybe he can even convince Trent or the rest of the Assembly to aid them. Aeor is a threat to the Empire as well. Maybe they will listen. 

“Who knows how long that will take.” Jester says, worry in her voice. Fjord speaks very quietly. “That’s super hard. I appreciate the notion...” 

Caleb interrupts him again, still trying to reason with them, to make them understand. “They could send you.” he says it again, emphasizing every word, almost pleading. “They could send you.” Fjord frowns at that. “Or kill us, or pick us off one at a time.”

Beau looks at him with a stern expression. “I don’t think we’re there yet.” Caleb sounds defeated for the moment. “I don’t know what the other solution is yet.” 

They don’t see it. They don’t see that they are only after him, that they will be free and safe without him. Trent just wanted to talk, and he has been a coward, blindly casting spells at him instead of listening, just wanting to get away, away, away… And then denying him his request for a conversation when he sent messages to him, denying the man who always gets what he wants, whatever it takes, a simple conversation. The man who has no qualms to walk over countless corpses if they separate him from his desires. The man nobody talks back to out of fear. He spoke back to him like a huffish child. And his friends, and their families, are now paying the price. 

They are talking about splitting up and going through the sewers again, his offer just brushed aside without real consideration.  _ There is no safety without you.  _ He looks at them, one by one.  _ There is no safety with me  _ he thinks.  _ Even if you all don’t want to see that.  _ They are so sure of themselves, after defeating the odds so many times, thinking they can face everything head on and get away with it. And until now they have. But they don’t know Trent Ikithon. Not like he knows him. 

He casually holds the scroll and the tuning fork out to Jester. “Hold this for a moment, I have to sit down a bit.” She takes it, giving him a worried look before continuing to discuss with the others. He has been a mess all day, she is probably not too surprised that he is faltering now. Slowly he walks away from the group. 

He looks over at Yussa’s still form. What would happen to him once they left, if Trent found him like that, unconscious and defenseless? What would happen to his loyal servant? To his tower full of rare magical artefacts? 

He is so tired of being scared, of hiding, of peeking around every corner with caution, just waiting for them to jump him every moment. He is so tired of his allies and friends getting hurt on his behalf, of their families being threatened by his past. He is just so  _ tired _ …

And he will never be able to rest enough to get the overwhelming exhaustion out of his bones and his mind if he keeps running and hiding from the inevitable. 

He methodically runs his hand over the staff Allura gave him and a wall of force springs into existence between him and the rest of the Nein and their family members, shimmers for a moment and then vanishes from sight. It blocks them from reaching him - or the exit. They are trapped, and he is free to leave. 

Heads turn around in his direction as they notice the flash of arcane energy. 

“You  _ will _ go without me!” he declares. “And I will make sure they don’t follow you.” 

“What the fuck Caleb?” Beau looks angry, her fits are clenched. “You don’t get to play the martyr over this, we made our decision.”

“And I made mine. Jester!” he looks at her now, she holds the scroll and tuning fork in one hand, her mother’s hand with the other, her eyes are wide. “You get them out of here! Make sure they are safe. Ja?” 

Veth runs towards him before Jester can reply, crashing into the invisible barricade, almost falling to the ground. Yasha reaches down and holds her steady. Veth lets out a string of curses and Yeza behind him is too shocked and scared to cover Luc’s ears like he normally does. He just keeps holding him in his arms. Luc, who looks frightened and so young and vulnerable, with tears in his eyes. Caduceus just frowns, watching the situation play out. Fjord has his arms crossed in front of his chest, not saying anything. He probably knows that it is pointless to try and persuade him now. He knows how stubborn their wizard can be. 

Caleb keeps his eyes fixed on Jester. “You get them out of here, our friends and your mama. Send me a message when you are safe and rested. And I will keep them off your heels. It will be fine, I promise. I  _ promise _ Jester.”

He sees tears streaming down her face, and a dawning realization that she cannot do anything to stop him now. He is dead serious. Her voice is so small and broken when she says his name “Caleb… Please don’t...” 

“DO IT!” he shouts, flinching at the volume of his own voice. “Please.” his whispers. 

Wensforth comes running up the stairs. “They’re behind me, they’re coming.” his voice is shrill and panicked. Caleb shoves the staff into the goblin’s hand, almost pushing him over since the thing is twice as high as him. He is talking very fast now. “Take this, hide it, it’s Lady Allura’s. She’ll want it back. Tell Yussa to send a message to Jester when he wakes up.” He turns around to the group again. “GO!”

Then he turns around and runs out of the room, hearing how Jester begins to read the incantation from the scroll with a tremble in her voice. Good. He counts the seconds as he runs, eins, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs, and drops the wall of force so that Wensforth can find a place to hide. 

Halfway down the stairs several figures rush into him. Two of them are his old friends, looking at him in surprise, the other two are unfamiliar. 

He stops in his tracks and holds up his hands so they can see he is unarmed and not casting any spells, fingers spread out wide. “It’s me who you want!” he yells. “I yield. Take me with you, just leave my friends alone.” 

He doesn’t resist when they grab his arms and lead him out of the tower, into the bright Nicodranian sun. There is no time to talk or to exchange meaningful glances, but what would it be good for anyway. He is outnumbered, he made his choice. He is at their mercy now. 

Trent is already waiting for him outside the door. He looks delighted when they drag him in front of his old teacher.

“Ah, so you are finally ready to have a conversation. That’s really all I want Bren, I’m glad you eventually understood that.” He looks behind him. “Where are your friends?” 

“They plane shifted away, you won’t find them in the tower. Please don’t make a mess in there, I’m coming with you, I won’t resist, just please… Don’t hurt who lives in this tower, just leave them alone. They have nothing to do with… this.” 

Trent studies him for a moment, then nods with an amicable expression. “Of course” he says. “None of us want any trouble, or for anyone to get hurt, right? All I want is to talk to you.”    
  
He turns to one of his scourgers. “Make sure they aren’t in there anymore, don’t disturb anything. If they are gone, leave and join us at the base.” 

He turns back to Caleb. “It isn’t appropriate for us to talk in the middle of the streat like peasants. We will go somewhere private first, and then you can tell me all about your visit in my personal vault, and what made you think that was a good idea.” He begins to walk, signaling the rest to follow. 

The two that hold his arms start leading him through the streets behind Trent, who has a spring in his step.  _ Oh I’m sure this is his best day in a very long time... _ Caleb does not resist. They lead him deeper into the city, through the loop of eleven stone arches that mark the entry into The Opal Archways, the noble district of Nicodranas.

Caleb catches sight of Astrid out of the corner of his eye as they walk. She looks pale but composed. And he realizes that a little part of him is glad to be here, with her, and with Wulf. Where he belongs. To finally atone for his sins. No more running. He hates that treacherous part of his mind, but it is deeply rooted in his personality. It was a nice dream he lived in for the last year, but in his heart he has always known that it would come to this one day. That he wouldn’t be able to hide forever. And if he now could save his friends by accepting his fate it wasn’t in vain. The running and hiding is finally over. 

The house the Volstrucker use as their base is built of dark stone in the architectural style of the Dwendalian empire. Inside dark wood paneling covers the high walls and gives the interior a noble but gloomy atmosphere. Enchanted lights on the walls illuminate every space. 

They lead him into a big room that contains several tables and chairs. They make him take off his coat, and the holster that holds his books. They take away the pouch with his spell components from his belt. They even make him take off his elven chain. The shirt he wears underneath is bloody and singed at the sleeves. They take away his satchel and pour it’s contents onto a table. One of them starts to systematically rummage through the pockets of his coat, adding whatever he finds to the pile. And Trent is closeby, watching it all happen with a satisfied smile on his lips. 

He feels sick seeing his possessions handled in that way, his most personal belongings spread out for everyone to see. But there hasn’t been enough time to get rid of them as well once he made his decision to go back and the scourgers managed to get into the tower.

“I am so glad you finally decided to join us again Bren.” Trent says casually, making Caleb’s blood go cold. “We have missed you.” 

They inspect his books, his components, the metal collar he still hasn’t managed to repair, the potion vials, his writing supplies, even the mundane objects like his rope, his dinnerware, his water skin. And then Trent leans over and picks up some papers from the array and Caleb feels nauseous, ready to throw up when he realizes what they are. 

Trent holds them up against the light, studying the map and the familiar handwriting. Caleb can’t stop himself from glancing over to Astrid for a second, seeing his own fear reflected in her eyes. Trent looks up, first at her, then at him, their silent communication not escaping his keen eyes.

His smile grows wide, triumphant even. “Oh I see.” For a second it feels like everyone in the room is holding their breaths at the same time. Then things happen very fast. 

Trent makes a gesture towards Astrid. “Seize her.” The other scourgers immediately close in on her. She lifts her hands to cast a spell, begins to chant an incantation, but then freezes mid movement and goes limp. Her legs buckle and she is caught by strong hands left and right before she can hit the floor, pulled back to her feet and held upright.

Eadwulf stands in front of her, arm outstretched, face grim, paralyzing her with his magic. There is a dim glow radiating from the maze like tattoos on his arm. Astrid’s eyes are wide with shock as they tie her wrists behind her back and then gag her with a piece of cloth before he releases her from his spell. She begins to struggle against the two scourgers who hold her arms, but to no avail. One of them punches her hard underneath her ribs, just where her liver would be, and then connects his fist with her cheekbone, resulting in a nasty cracking sound. She buckles and groans and stops fighting eventually. When they pull her upright again a bruise is already beginning to bloom on her cheek. 

Caleb is equally shocked by Eadwulf’s action and the sudden burst of violence and unable to act for a moment, his throat so tight he is barely able to draw breath while his heart feels like it’s going to explode every moment now. His chest hurts. Since most of his magic is drained there is not much he could have done anyway. He is just standing there, eyes wide, paralized with guilt and fear. Why hadn’t he thought about the paper? He never forgets anything, why this, why now? 

Trent, still looking triumphant, begins to give orders. “Eadwulf, Sigrun, Merten, you will come with me. The rest of you stay behind, in case one of them resists the teleport, which I would  _ strongly  _ advise against.” His cold grey eyes wander over to Caleb and Astrid as he says these last words. They both know the look in his eyes. It’s the look that tells them that today would be a  _ really _ bad day to disappoint him. Every day is a bad day to disappoint him, but some are worse than others. 

Sigrun, a stout dwarven woman and Merten, a lanky human man are the ones that are still holding Astrid and give Trent a nod of confirmation. Eadwulf steps over to Caleb and takes hold of his arm, avoiding his gaze. His expression is unreadable. His fingers dig into Caleb’s flesh hard enough to leave bruises. He also gives Trent a nod. 

Trent waits until one of the others has shoved all of Caleb’s belongings - including the contents of his pockets and his books, back into his satchel and then takes it, before he steps over to Caleb and Astrid.

“Well, shall we go then?” he asks with the tone of someone inviting them to a stroll through the gardens on a sunny day. Caleb doesn’t answer and Astrid can’t, but Trent is not waiting for their reply anyway. He begins to cast his magic and a moment later Caleb feels the familiar tug behind his chest and the room vanishes. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed it. <3 Kudos and comments cheer me up more than you would believe.
> 
> I’m also always happy to chat about all things CR, find me on twitter or tumblr as @PryingBlackbird
> 
> P.S. Please don't throw rocks at me about my characterization of Eadwulf in this fic. There are more reasons than one for him to act the way he did, and not all of them are bad. 
> 
> P.P.S. I will probably make this a part of my “Cultivate a space for the things that hurt you most” series at some point, but for now it stands solidly on its own.


End file.
